Lost in Time

Been a slave to your thoughts,
ages have gone by since I have rested
Sell me your dreams
if you have some to spare.

No longer do I command my mind,
it runs wild in the fields amidst your memories
whisper a few soft words
restore sanity to my world.

Your face knocks the wind out
leaves me suffocating and breathless
Seal my lips with yours
Infuse life into me

I wallow in this self-induced misery
been a fool all this while
Guide me back home
I have been lost for too long.

Knight in a Shattered Armor

'Hey, Are you free today afternoon? I wanted to talk to you about something really important.'
What do you do, when a girl asks you such a question?
I am still thinking of answers that can be used other than "Yea sure!!", "Of course, I am free" or
"Hell Yeah, Just tell me when and where."
Men have this pressing need to be the 'Knight in shining armor', when they sense a damsel in distress,
specially if she happens to be a cute one.
Although I had tons of work to be done, I decided to skip lunch and go see Tina.
How I came to know Tina, is a different story altogether, she happens to be my friend's girlfriend's brother's best friend's cousin.
I met her first during my friend's birthday party, and things took off from there.
I waited for her outside her office in the scorching summer heat.
All the while feeling the butterflies in my belly ready to burst out.
What was it that she wanted to talk to me so urgently?
My head filled with anticipation and all the possible pleasant alternatives.
And then I saw her walk out of her office.
Ahhhh.. A cool breeze hit my face the moment I laid eyes on her. (or was it my imagination?)
While she was exchanging pleasantries with me,
I was engrossed in ogling and drooling at her like a neanderthal.
I, being the gentleman that I am, suggested that we go somewhere and have lunch.
What she said next was a bit unexpected, 'Can't we just stand here and talk?'
Let me describe the "here" she was talking about.
It was just outside her office, with rows and rows of vehicles parked next to where we were standing.
There was a huge gutter on the other side on the road, in which, were brewing the ultimate
'Knock you out of your senses' fumes.
Not to mention the constant honking of the vehicles passing by.
And the guys from her office, giving me the "Who the fuck are you, talking to a chick from my office?" look.
All that mattered to me was, I was standing there in her presence and she wanted to talk to me. Lucky me.
In the midst of all this, she started her story.
'I don't think you know the reason why I called you.'
'You see, there is another office next to mine, I have a mutual friend working there.'
'For the past few weeks he drags me to lunch with him,
and also insists on dropping me home, in the evening.'
Hmmm, So you get free lunches and lifts back home. I will have to do better than that then.
'I have tried a lot to avoid him, but he waits outside the office for me, no matter how late it gets.
Off late he has become too aggressive, I don't know what to do, can you talk to him, make him back off?'
I BLOODY KNEW IT!!! THERE FUCKING HAD TO BE A TWIST.
SHE WANTS ME TO BE HER HATCHET MAN.
THANK YOU GOD!! THANK YOU.. I GUESS YOU JUST HATE TO SEE ME HAPPY.
Of all the things running in my mind at the time, I just wanted to ask her one simple question.
"Take a good look at me, tell me from which angle do I look menacing or physically capable of fighting off the fiend you just mentioned to me??"
By now I was sweating profusely, partly due to the heat and mostly due to the situation I found myself in.
I was trying to imagine what that bastard would look like.
Would he be taller or stronger than me? Would he know some kind of martial arts?
I am screwed, I am doomed.. Today might very well be the last day of my life.
I took a look at Tina's face, for some reason she had some faith in me (At least I thought so).
My desire to be the 'Knight in Shining Armor' was back from the dead.
It had been a while since I had been in a fight,
I thought "What the hell, let me swing a couple of punches and see where this goes.
I will get her for this some other day, right now my survival and reputation are at stake."
It was showtime, I got into the act.
'Is that it? You just want me to scare off some bugger? HAHAHAHA.. That's no problem at all.'
'Ohh, don't underestimate him, he is some kind of crazy psycho.'
Thanks for the encouragement and building my confidence bitch!!
'Look there he comes.'
I was on the verge of have a heart attack.
When I finally saw the bastard, a sense of relief swept over me.
(the kind when you pee after you have held it for too long)
He was taller than me, but a bit on the thinner side.
I knew I could take this guy down.
THANK YOU GOD, I KNEW YOU STILL LOVE ME.
I asked her to stand all by herself, and moved to a spot bit away, I wanted to surprise the bastard.
He came, said Hi to her and promptly grabbed her hand.
Some how I knew that was my cue to intervene.
I stopped him before he reached his bike.
'LET GO OF HER HAND, YOU BASTARD.'
I am not sure if he let go of her hand because of my yelling, or was it Tina's new found strength which got her hand away from his.
I caught him by his collar and pushed him onto the bikes parked.
He stumbled to get up, I rushed to him, before he could get back on his feet.
I twisted his arm behind his back, and pulled out his mobile phone and the bike keys from his pant pockets.
He was shouting obscenities at me, but that was all he could do.
In my mind, Tina was in a cheerleader's costume, cheering me to turn this guy to pulp.
I didn't know what I was doing or for that matter how I was doing it, it was working. I was winning.
I noted down his home number and his Dad's number.
'Alright you bastard, now listen, and listen carefully, I have your home number, finding out where you live won't be hard. If I so much as hear your name being mentioned again, I will hunt you down,
I will call your place and tell your folks to expect your mangled body back home.'
The words didn't sound like it was me, I am not sure which hidden demon had got unleashed that day,
but it was awesome seeing the look on his face though.
Just when I thought the battle was won, he started to fight back.
I had to twist his arm to the extreme to drive my point home.
The twisting caused him to scream out loud, that was the moment I realized,
We were bloody fighting right in front of HIS office!!!
Reinforcement could have been there any moment, I had to wrap it up soon.
I started dialing his dad's number, As soon as he realized what I was about to do, his tone changed.
'Man.. whoever you are, don't call my dad, He will disown me man, he will kill me.'
I think he was about to cry.
'I don't fucking care who you are or what your dad does to you,
If you so much as even look at Tina, I will come straight to your house.'
'Whatever you say man, please let me go..please.'
I let go of his hand, half afraid that he is gonna strike back, But he was busy nursing his dislocated arm.
I threw his mobile and the bike keys away.
I turned around, hoping to find Tina in tears, wanting to hug me.
She was standing in the shade of a tree some 50 meters away, talking on her phone.
I went to her, she gestured to me that she just needed one more minute on the call.
After another 25 minutes she said, 'Thank God, it's all sorted out, I couldn't bare to stand in this heat for one more minute.'
I thought "IN THIS HEAT?.. You were bloody standing in the shade all this while, I was the one who was feeling the heat!!"
'You know my boyfriend was very worried about this guy, he only suggested that I call some friend of mine and get this sorted out.'
'Boyfriend???' (That's all I managed to utter in the state of shock I was)
'Oh yeah, He works in Delhi, If he was here, he himself would have taken care of this situation. But he won't be coming back till December. I am going to Delhi next weekend to meet him.'
AAARRGGGGHHHHHHH... ALL THIS FOR NOTHING!!!
'Hey.. my lunch hour is about to get over, I got to go have lunch, I will catch up with you soon.'
I stood there transformed back into a neanderthal, staring at her in disbelief this time.
All I could manage to say was 'Yea Sure'.
You could have at least asked me for lunch.. YOU BITCH!!
 Now that I think about it, while I was fighting off the bastard for her,
She was standing in the shade, giving her boyfriend a running commentary of the fight.
That day was a revelation, and if I could, I would kick my own ass for being so gullible back then.
But then, I did make a guy almost cry.. that was worth something. :)

Blame it on the Booze and Friends of course..

By the age of 21 everyone... almost everyone experiences infatuation, love and in some not so lucky cases, a broken heart.

Now this is not uncommon, but the question is, what is the acceptable number of times one should permit himself/herself to go through all this?? How about four or does ten sound reasonable??

Although not a Christian, Roy fervently believed in 'Love thy Neighbor as thyself, who happens to be a girl'.
Roy added the 'who happens to be a girl' part.
His interpretation of it was, any and every girl who happened to come within 10 meters radius of him.
All those who qualified, included every girl in his class since kindergarten, in his neighborhood, in his tuition class, who sat next to him on a bus/train/movie hall and the ones who didn't count as immediate family.
You must be thinking 'What a hormone crazed desperate character!'.
He was pretty special that way, he was blessed with, what one would call 'Hippie Blood', really believing in 'Free Love' and 'Love for all' fundas..
In his defense, he always claimed to fall in love with every single girl he laid eyes on.

There isn't a lot that alcohol can't help you get through, and Roy depended on it to take care of the following situations:
- The first time he has a crush on a girl. [To make her memory linger]
- The time he comes to know she has a boyfriend. [To drown his sorrows]
- The time he actually wants to talk to the girl. [Without the booze, the words tend to get stuck to the insides of his throat]
- The time the girl says No. [Again to drown his sorrows]
- The time the girl says Yes. [To celebrate the occasion, haven't been many]
- And the time when the girl's ex-boyfriend, brother, father, old granny, younger sister or her dog beat/bit/scratched the crap out of him. [To forget the pain he was in.. and it was the granny who bit him, not the dog]
Not to forget the birthday parties, end of semester parties, end of exam parties, combined study sessions, giving company to a friend and the times when you actually have no reason at all.

On 23rd of November 2006, 10:30 pm, after a couple of beers...
Roy called up Nina, one of his many "She is the One"s.
All would have been well with his imaginary castle.. but as someone once said (and as millions say everyday) 'Life is a Bitch'.
A previously unknown entity, "Nina's boyfriend" answered the phone.
Now any reasonable heart broken teen would have called it a night.
But Roy being a true "John McClane" fan decided, if he was ever going down, he would do it with a bang and all guns blazing. (If you don't know who John McClane is, Then you DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE!! CLIMB TO THE TOP OF NAKATOMI PLAZA AND JUMP.. YOU BOZO!!!)
So after a couple more beers he ended up calling Premlata.
Who's Premlata??? Hmmm, Imagine a pyramid, on the very top would be Megan Fox, at the bottom would be the rotten corpse of a 3000 year old mummy. Now if you dug for like 500 meters below that mummy, somewhere around there you would find the fat slob called "Premlata".
Even today, Roy is not sure what he said to her that night.
But the result of that call was a text message to him the next day, which read something like this.
"Gud mrning sw hrt...Lotsa luv.. Hv a gr8 day.. Muuuahhh."
And that's how he found a creature willing to give him a chance.

What happened next, led me to break my confidentiality clause and write this story for the benefit of mankind.
I had heard that love was blind. In Roy's case it was blind, deaf, had lost it sense of smell, its mind and he had damn near lost 3/4th of his savings for a bike, on mobile recharges, Romantic lunches, tons of chocolates and gifts.
To add to this mix, various hormonal cocktails were also playing their part pretty well.
Making Roy spend on her, was Premlata's version of love, and spending on her, was his.
In a weird sense of speaking they were perfect for each other.
I guess love does this to people, and Roy had been looking for it since the moment he came to existence.

Before anyone knew it, 8 months had past since that night.
Now you run after something for so long, you soon start missing the running after part.
Things become a drag, specially when the demands from the thing you were running after, start to look like an unending well.
I still remember this thing Roy told me once when he was feeling all philosophical about his situation.
"I never thought I would end up in such a mess man, All the happiness within me has dried up..There is just a void left in its place, I now have to hunt for external sources of happiness just to keep myself from going insane".
I actually thought he would renounce all his worldly possessions, grab a couple of beers and head to the Himalayas. 
Such being the situation, I did what any good friend would have done.
I spoke to Premlata.
'Roy still loves you a lot and he is crazy about you. He has only just stopped saying it out loud. He still loves getting you gifts. In fact he was telling me the other day, that your demand for gifts has gone down, he doesn't know what to do with the extra cash he has saved up. Also he was saying something about marrying you someday. Ohh.. and he said he would die if you ever left him and it looked like he meant it, So please no matter what, never leave him.'
I am not sure, which of the above convinced her, but she stayed in Roy's life for another 5 months before the inevitable happened.
Come on guys!! Don't judge me, I was just helping my friend learn a lesson in life. I'm sure, he too would have done the same for me. After all, What are friends for???

Ohh!! By the way, the discoveries that lead to the inevitable, were really amazing!
Roy found her, sitting with some guy in a restaurant.
When he questioned her, she chose to use a bazooka!! in what was supposed to be a sword fight, and unleashed hell on him for not trusting her and drenching his shirt in tears.
Some days later Roy ran into her sitting in a garden, holding hands with another guy. The memories of the previous assault were still fresh. So he sought shelter behind the assumption that, the guy must have been a cousin and let it go.
Third time is always the charm and was also the deal breaker in his case, this time he found her sitting under a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G..

She turned out to be a neat little multitasking succubus, who collected boyfriends for fun.. She could handle four guys at any point of time, at least we liked to believe it was only four.
That one episode in his life, did him a world of good.

He has turned to God, and now prays that she dies of some horrible disease & I end up in a ditch some day.
Nowadays, whenever something bad happens to me, I imagine Roy sitting somewhere pricking pins into a voodoo doll that looks like me..

That crazy thing called... Ice Cream!!

'SID!! Dude pretty soon you will be able to drink your ice cream.'
'Thanks for reminding me dudette, But I am done eating, can't have any more of this gooey crap.'
'Can I have the rest of it? Please.. Please.. Pretty Pleaseee...'
'Go ahead, how can I say no to you, specially when you pull your puppy-eyed routine on me.'
'You know about it!! Since when?'
'Its been some time now.'
'Damn!! And all this while I was thinking I was making you play to my tunes.'
'Hahaha, Yeah Right.. I can see right though you.'
'Thanks for busting my bubble Sid!'
'Hey, If it's any consolation, you look cute when you do that.'
'Oooo.. A compliment! that too coming from you, I got to do something to cherish this moment a bit more longer.'
'Drama Queen! you turn everything into a scene from some soap opera.'
'OYE..life is like that ok, only thing missing is the background music,
Moreover, this is what I am, take it or leave it.'
'Who talks like that in real life??'
'I DO, You got a problem with that??'
'GOD!! Just have your ice cream, I have to be somewhere.'
'WHAT!! you don't have time for your friend? Next thing I know, you will stop receiving my calls,
stop meeting me, wait till I grow a bit more older and dump me in some retirement home.
Promise me you will come visit me there. Sob..Sob..'
'Stop your nautanki, Do you even realize we have been sitting here for the past 3 hours, and this happens to be your 3rd ice cream, and I am not counting the ones you gobbled up which I had ordered for myself. Moreover you are just 2 years older than me, from where the heck did you bring a retirement home into picture.'
'And people say you don't talk, Did you even realize you said all that in just one breathe, Impressive!!'
'Riya, am leaving, you can take the bus back home after you are done with your ice cream.'
'WHERE DO YOU GO..OH BABY, WHERE DO YOU GO..' (Where do you go by No Mercy)
'What the hell do you think you are doing?'
'Well, you were gonna leave me sitting here, only with this bowl of ice cream for company,
and that song was Sooo perfect for the situation.'
'You didn't have to scream the bloody song out, as if someone was about to stab you.
People all over are staring at us.'
'Really!! Do you think that hunky sitting over there, noticed me?'
'Ohh, am pretty sure, he got a good look at the crazy howling girl, I even saw him take video of you singing,
from the looks of it, you will be making your YouTube debut soon.'
'Hahahahaha..Howling....Do you remember the first time we met, you were doing exactly that.'
'Hello madam, your bank had just deducted 3k from my account, without any explanation or justification.'
'Its been a really long time since then, do you even remember how we became friends?'
'Hmmm, The one thing that I will never forget, is the Verbal Abuse fest you and me had in your bank that day.'
'Hehehehe..That was like ultimate man! I was super pissed off at my Boss, and the next thing I know,
you come to my counter and start yelling at me.'
'Hahaha.. yup, Good old days.'
'Oye, you sound grandpa types when you say such things. You aren't even married yet!!'
'GOD!! Not that 'M' word again, I was this close to ripping off my hair and chopping off my ears two days back,
two of my aunts got hold of me. It took them just 20 minutes to make me entertain thoughts of murder.'
'You know what, if you also got rid of your nose, along with your hair, Everyone would be forced to call you 'LORD VOLDEMORT', Just imagine people talking about you, without being able to mention your name.
Idea! get rid of all your hair, and do everything to look butt ugly,
so no girl would want to look at you, this way I can have you all for myself.. Hehahahaha.'
'YOU!! you are evil personified, Even if you were the last female in this universe I wouldn't marry you.'
'OUCH, that hurt man, I am not that bad you know, I am Evil outside, Good Inside kinda person'
'Right!, If you are good, then I am the Pope. And moreover, I have something else planned for you.'
'This is not fair! you are making plans involving me, and haven't even bothered to mention it to me.'
'Hahaha..Its not a plan per say, its just an idea.'
'Oh Mighty Moronic SID! care to incept this idea of yours, into my feeble mind?'
'Hahaha..If there ever comes a time when I have feelings for you, you will always be the one I let go.'
'WHAT???? What is that supposed to mean?? You say it, as if you are conferring some sort of honor on me.'
'Well, I always wanted to have the experience of having let go of something/someone I really wanted.'
'You are a freak!! I hope you know that.'
'Hahaha, I have been called a lot of things, a freak is a new addition to the list.'
'Ohh wait, I meant to call you an asshole, I believe this won't be the first time you have been called that.'
'You are taking this personally, look, I believe that every human being has the potential to experience or be anything he wants, and I just want to experience all that life has to offer.
Having to let go of something you really want to be part of your life, has its own set of emotions and feelings
associated with it, which you won't experience otherwise. Of all the things I have in my life,
you are the one thing, I would hate to lose. But by letting you go, I will get to know or unlock the part of me,
that I know is in there somewhere.'
'Holy Mother of Everything Good!! Dude you really are becoming one of those grandpa types man, you gotta do something. Ohh.. and after listening to all this crap of your's, I have upgraded you to freaky asshole.
And HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A THING?? Next time you call me a thing, I will be more than happy to kick your butt and let go of you! GOT IT??'
'Yeah..yeah..Miss Drama Queen, Now can we please leave, I had to be home like an hour ago.'
'Hmm, Okay, But only if we can stop at Pastry King's for something sweet.'
'What the Hell?? Weren't 3 and a half ice creams enough for you?'
'Please.. Please.. Pretty Pleaseeee...'
'Arrrgghhh.. Fine.. but we are not spending more than 15 minutes there. Deal?'
'Yeah..Yeah..Stop freaking out you freaky asshole.'
'Oye.. watch your mouth, now let's go before your pastry place closes down.'

Sinner's eyes!!!

Seen it all,
From the other side of the veil
The filth, the gore, the plight,
hating your kind,
Its just a view from a sinner's eyes.

Hate.. regret.. remorse..
The cycle follows,
Died and born a thousand times in a lifetime,
Never to learn, Never to care,
Becoming someone else each time.

Faces robbed, identities faked,
Gods of purpose, Gods of reason,
deserted in a sea of greed,
Life lost to the game of race,
blown by the winds of fate.

Freak out!!! your all alone,
Standing true,
Everyone's fallen,
cloaked in masks,
wanting to be saints in HELL!!!

No love.. Oh baby.. Lets BOOZEEE.....

"Abe aise kyu baita hai? jaise kisi ne teri leli ho."
"Mood nahi hai yaar abhi, disturb mat kar."
"Muaaf kardo Nawab saheb, jaise hum gareeb logo ko
aap jaise bade logo ke pichwade mein ungli karne ke alawa aur koi kaam hi nahi hai na??"

30 seconds later..

"Abe chutiye, tu abhi tak aise hi pada hai, chal ready ho ja, we are going out,
Maa kasam agar tune natak kiya toh bheja phod dunga."
"Dude.. I dont want to go out, all we end up doing is boozing and ogling, faida kya hai?"
"Ohh.. BC.. Are you questioning the way of life we have perfected over the last 3 years??
We are men dude.. our only objectives in life are Booze and babes."
"Fuck you man!! I am done with you justifications."
"O teri..Kya hogaya, any thing serious?"
"Chod yaar tu nahi samjhega."
"Haramkhor, 5 saal se janta hoon tujhe. Try me."
"4 din se woh mera phone nahi utha rahi hai, ghar pe gaya toh, uski mom bolti hai,
she is gone out jab ke uski gadi garage mein hi padi thi."
"Abe toh G mein jane de usko, koi aur mil gaya hoga use,
Tu uske chakkar mein mere mood ki maa behen kyu kar raha hai."
"I love her man.. I cant live without her."
"Hmmmm, Ye tera pehla scene hai kya? By God.. Dont tell me ye tera pehla case hai."
"I miss her man."
"Abe she hasn't responded to your calls for 4 days, Take a hint. Waise bhi kab se janta hai tu usko?"
"Almost 4 months now..Dude.. I cant live without her man. I will die without her"
"Abe mere champu.. wake up and smell the coffee.. ITS BLOODY BURNING AND STARING YOU STRAIGHT IN THE FACE.. tera expiry date over ho gaya hai."
"BC..without even knowing her, how can you say this about her yaar."
"Trust me, I know girls like you don't."
"Jo bhi hai yaar.. Why is she doing this to me?"
"Simple hai Beeta.. sari ladkiyan SADIST hoti hain. I mean come on yaar,
look at the fucking serials they watch saas-bahu, roona-dhona, pyar-vyar, family values and shit.
Who in their right minds would want to watch that God forsaken pile of puke?"
"WTF has watching some serial got to do with Prachi not answering my call man? And BTW even your mom watches those fucked up serials..remember??"
"HARAMI!!.. argument mein Mamma ko beech mein mat la...
BTW 'PRACHI' bada hot sounding naam hai yaar, No wonder teri jal rahi hai."
"Bhootni ke, tu baat ko kahan se kahan le ja raha hai? Naam ka ladki se kya connection hai?"
"Bhai mere.. kitni baar tune kisi hot ladki ko dekha hai, jiska naam 'Sundarabhagya Srividhya Raman' hai?"
"Hmmm.. dekha toh nahi hai."
"EXACTLY!!! yahi toh mera point hai..Jitna hot naam utni hi hot ladki. Direct Proportion hai dude.."
"Boss.. pair kahan hain tere.. Tu mahan hai yaar.. bas ek kaam kar de mera.. BLOODY SPARE ME YOUR GYAN AND FUNDAS."
"Abe tu nahi janta.. bade kaam ke hain ye funde."
"Bas kar yaar.. nahi toh By God, teri maut ka zimmedar tu khud hoga."
"Chill yaar, kisi ladki ka ghussa tu mere pe kyu nikal raha hai?"
"Dude.. pata nahi yaar.. I cant get her out of my head."
"Dekh.. I wanna booze tu aa raha hai ya nahi?"
"Arrrrgghhhhh.. Chal mere baap, nahi toh tu mujhe chain se jeene nahi dega."
"Thats like a good Doggie.."

40 mins later.. At the Pub...

"Dude check her out man.. apni taraf hi dekh rahi hai."
"Chutiye theek se dekh, tere piche ladies bathroom hai, she is checking the line outside it..
Waise bhi I am done man..Bhad mein jaye saali sabhi kuttiya, I dont give a fuck."
"Are yaar.. tera kanta abhi tak wahi atka hai? Get over it man.. Move On!!! Koi aur mil jayegi."
"Abe tab se dekh raha hoon.. you talk like you know a lot about love and girls.. From what I know tu toh saale, laundibazzi aur tharkipan ka Champ hai, when the heck did you become an authority on Love?"
"Mere zakhmo ko khured ke unpe namak lagane ka chaska nahi hai mujhe. So lets just say that I have had my heart broken a couple of times."
"You never told me about this!"
"Batane layak kuch hai nahi yaar..If I look down that lane its all pain, some self-inflicted, some poured down on me."
"Hahahahaha.. Hard to imagine you as a heart broken devdas."
"Mazak nahi hai.. but I had my first encounter with booze coz of a girl man."

2 hours later... In the same pub..

"Tuuu mera saccha dost hai.. tu mere saath peene aaya.. Tuuu peene aaya."
"Tu bhiii mera saacha dost hai, jo mujhe zabardastiiii peene layaaa."
"Ek baat bataoon.. tu ye ladki logo ke chakkar mein mat pad, bahut papad belne padte hain.. saala upar se chhhod gai toh aur zyada daard hota hai."
"Kyaa huaa tha tere saath."
"Abe yaarrr.. I trustedd a girl with my life.. she left me coz her fucking Appa.. saala harami BC.. did not approve of me. Dusri wali ko pehli wali ko jalane ke chakkar mein pakda.. saali mera pura 1 saal ka savings chaat gai.. tessri wali toh mere liye God sent thi yaar.. but mein saala chutiya usko baki ladkiyo ki tarah treat kiya, eventually she got fed up of me and moved on, and the fourth one bloody wanted a slave/puppet...Saala kutta banake rakna chahati thi..Bloody bitch"
"Tuuu nee yee kabhi bataya nahiii mujhee"
"Abe kya batata.. Koi apne failure ki kahani sunata hai kya? Since then I have given up hope on love man..works for me this way."
"Hmmm, toh tu kya bolta hai.. main bhiii give up kar doon?"
"Abe nahi ye sab experience se seeko toh hi better hai.. everything Firstt Hand!!"
"Tohhh ye Prachi ka kya karu?"
"Hehe.. mere bhai you are asking a failed person for advice..Tujhe jo theek lagta hai karrrr...Just remember what ever you do.. never regret what you doo. Life mein seekh ne ke liye bahut hai.. Mujhe dekh 4 saal se ladkiyo ke alag types pe PhD kar raha hoon.. Tuu kum se kum apni Bachelor's Degree toh lele."
"Guruuuu.. tere charan dooke pappi deneka maan kar raha hai tere thopde pe."
"Hahaha.. Nautanki saala... Bartender saale.. pour me another one."

1 and a half hour later.. in the back alley of the Pub..

"BC.. SAALE.. BAAP KA MAAL SAMAJ KE RAKHA HAI....DEKH KE NAHI MAAR SAKTA KYA???"
"Duuudeeee.. tuu ne dekha kaise main ne.. saale bouncer ke takle pe chamat mara.. hahahaha.. saale ne jo wapas maara pura wasool hai.. hahahaha"
"O teriii.. abe awazz mat kar.. baju mein suwaro ek chota aur suukkhhiii pariwar soo raha hai.. Disturb hoga. Chup chaappp tu bhi soo ja.. nahi toh ye bhi harami G maar denge..."
"SHhhhhhhhhh.....NO TAALKINNGGGG...TIME OUT..."
"BC bouncer ki maa ki.. ganduuu ko kal dekhte hain.."
"ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz."
"ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Coffee Shop...

He has been sitting next to the door for over 30 minutes now.
Moderately attractive, smartly dressed with sharp features and a receding hair line.
Hmmm... keeps tapping his index finger on the cover of the book he is reading.
Is he nervous?
Why the heck am I staring at him?
Usually I am quite subtle at these things.

I have been coming to this place every Thursday since I was a kid.
I have my dad to thank for it.
It was our own special time, we talked about each and everything under the sun, and beyond it.
When he was alive I used to come with him,
After he passed away I used to come to remember him,
Now its just a habit.
In this ever changing world, this is the only consistent thing.
I tried bringing my husband here.
He doesn't see the purpose of sitting in cafe for hours, wallowing on the couch and observing people.
He says, "Isn't that why man invented T.V and created soap operas?"
Its interesting how each character on TV is a figment of someone's imagination.
Imaginary people, imaginary worlds, imaginary problems...
I guess he will never understand the fascination of studying human actions, reactions and mannerisms.
Where better to find such an interesting mix of people than a cafe.
You can be sure that on a long enough time scale the same person will make a reappearance.
Sometimes even if I can't recall a face, some idiosyncratic gesture lets me know,
that I have seen this person before.
To escape the monotony of the life I lead, I visit this "Human Zoo" of mine.

Working in a small company as a Recruiter, has its perks,
Short working hours combined with the satisfaction of hunting down people fit
for a particular job at my company,
feeds my hobby as well as my occasional shopping escapades.
Here, unlike the people in cafe I don't have to speculate,
I get most of their info on a printed executive bond sheet.
Not exactly what I prefer..So I just call them up.
Talk to them to create my version of their profile.
If only I could get a dollar for every time I found loads of BS on an application,
I would be able to afford a home on moon or feed half the world population..
OK that's exaggerating, but you get my point.
My husband on the other hand is a Manager of err.. something, in a bank.
I never have been able to understand what he does.
The passion with which he talks about his work makes me happy for him,
at least he didn't end up with job he hates.
I have controlled my self from making him a subject of my study.
I fear if I dig in deep, and figure him out, there will be nothing left to surprise me.

Now I get it.. Its the book, this guy is reading.
I have read it before. It wasn't a best seller, but amazingly written.
Odd, Now I feel like I have seen him somewhere before.
Up til now I haven't seen anything that would remind me of having seen him.
Hmm, Never mind I am done for the day.
I will bother if I see him again.


Sitting by the window, I was engrossed in the view outside.
Rain pouring down like there is no tomorrow.
People running to find some shelter.
At least some 20 people must have entered the cafe today, just to get away from the rain.
Then I heard someone talking.
It took me a while to realize, that "that someone" was talking to me.
I look up to see it was the guy I was wondering about 2 months back.
Shocked and surprised a bit to see him looking right at me.
"Hi, are you expecting someone to join you?"
"Err.. No"
"Mind if I occupy this chair?"
"Sure go ahead"
Damn! I want to be left alone today.

"Would you like to have something sir?"
"A mocha with cream should do fine"
It doesn't seem to bother him that he is completely wet, and dripping water all over his bag.
"Excuse me, but your bag is taking a shower.."
"Pardon!"
"I meant, your bag is getting drenched."
"Crap!!.. Thank you"
He ended up fishing out about 7 books from his bag,
and placed them all on the table which could at the best hold
only 2 cups of coffee with a basket of muffins.
"I am sorry for the mess I am causing.. But some of these books are my life.
No kidding.. I had a tough time getting my hands on some of these."
I just smile, wanting to get back to my view outside, but I guess he was in a chatty mood.
He just wouldn't quit, no matter how hard I tried to politely ignore him.

After a while he took the hint, and stopped pestering me.
Even though he wasn't talking, I was very much aware of his presence right across me.
It seemed like he wanted to talk to me, but didn't know what.
I stole a glance at him, he was busy staring in the direction of a young guy
sitting all by himself, seemingly busy writing something,
at first I didn't understand what was so fascinating about that young man.
Then I saw him ogling at a girl sitting at the table across him in small bursts,
It was only then I realized that the shy looking guy was actually sketching this girl..

I turned around and caught my table mates eyes, He smiled at me.
As if powered by some unknown force, I too smiled back.
Everything else is a blur, but what I remember is, we spoke for close to 2 hours that day..
If you ask me what we talked about, I wont be able to remember anything in particular.
Just that it was kind of a relief to pour my heart out to some stranger, whom I may never meet again.

Since that day we have met in this same cafe on and off for the past 3 years.
Never ever having promised to meet again, never having exchanged names or numbers.
We have talked about our lifes, other people, things big and small, observe people,
laugh at and sympathize with our subjects.
We did try naming this relationship once and figure its implications.
But what do you call this thing that we share, Friendship? Acquaintance? Soul-mate?
I know he has a wife, and a small kid, He knows that I am married.
But still there are things that I can discuss with him that I can't discuss with my husband,
just for the plain and simple reason that my husband will not understand.
The same applies to his wife as well.
Does this mean that we are cheating on our partners?
I mean even sharing at an psychological or emotional level,
giving priority to someone else other than your life partner.
Isn't that wrong? when you have taken a vow to stand by and share your life with someone.
The argument we have had over this topic, over a period of 4 months,
just etched out the futility of naming this relationship and figuring out what it is and what are its limits.
We just fill a void in each others lives.
No matter what, somethings just don't have a name or a face.

Chaos Remains

Cry, Laugh, Fight, Die
That's all you end up with
Blood boils, flows over
This raging fire, anger.
And chaos is all that remains.

Lose life ones each day
Embrace death sooner
This shit never gets old
Until you grow bolder
And chaos is all that prevails.

Dream, feel, forget
Kneel before your God
Ask what you greed for
will peel the skin off you, show your significance
And chaos is all that sustains.

Freak, resist, Retire
give up before your limit
Fail each time
Weep for your collapse
Chaos is all that will linger till the end.

Ode of the fallen

Too long you have fucked around,
All that's left are maggots crawling,
Your memories rot
Your face fades

Buried deep inside
grasping for air
Burning in your internal hell
My sin is your redemption
your life is my gift
pain is your salvation

Blisters are all you have now
you represent tyranny of the meek
I bathe in your blood
vengence is a way of life

Happiness is comatose
drift away
slave to misery
your tragedy is my elixir
my life support

Fire soothes the soul
A thousand fists punch through
maiming your remains
mulch is what you need
and I my mead

See the day,
seek your way
crawl down the hole
find your reason
hunt one, pick one
Justify

Get a reason to live
fight, bite, with all your might
dance back to humanity
then I'll prophecize whats next for you..

MAMAs and their affinity to me...

Lets go back in time around 2 year 9 months, give or take a few days.That was the time when I set out from the comforts of my home to Pune.
The events that transpired on 20th July 2008, have been etched in my mind for a lot of reasons (Mostly and sadly bad...)
I landed at the Pune railway station at 3:40 in the morning, with just one bag and my bike (my companion in my turmoil).
I was yet to breathe in the early morning air, but the duty bound, highly (monetarily) motivated and dedicated cops of Pune decided 'enough is enough', its about time to start making my first day in Pune "SPECIAL".
Having had no previous experience with Pune cops, I had not gone through the trouble of transferring my bike from Goa to Pune(Big Mistake.. and the traffic cops made it a point to remind me and my friends, almost on a daily basis).
I was promptly stopped right outside railway station at 3:50 AM, and was asked for my papers, I could see the cash register in the cops eye go 'kching.. kching..kching', needless to say other than the papers I had, there were some that were missing.
Having shelled out 150 bucks and spent close to 30 mins bargaining(yes.. my friends you can do that.. although it requires a lot patience and a very sad face, and I was is no hurry)

It can be real fun, finding a place at 4:30 in the morning, in a new city. And all that you have for reference is the address and a vague idea of the route (courtesy Google Maps). Now here comes the catch, but how can the poor folks at Google know that Pune municipality had decided to repair and revamp the roads vis-a-vis how could I either?
Finally had to resort back to the age old method of asking directions, from which ever soul I could find at that time of the day.
I have a feeling that even the dogs on the street understood my problem, and barked and chased me relentlessly, in order to get me to the Guest house asap.
There is something about riding around early in the morning, wish I could explain.
I can tell you the symptoms but you have to understand the effect it has for yourself.
- Early morning cold heavy air blowing in your face.
- Feeling of wanting to slow down and just drift away.
- No TRAFFIC!!!
- No Noise
- The craving for a cup of hot tea.
All of the above add up to mean a lot of different things for different people.
To me this is a version of heaven.
I ended up reaching the Company guest house at 6:15am.
Peace and rest, welcomed me for the first time in the day...
Although the sun was yet to pop up in the sky for the day, I felt drained out.
Evening falls and I decide to go and meet my chaddi buddy Nived Jayprakash studying at the Pune University.As soon as I reach the University gates I encounter my Nemesis again "Pune Traffic Cops" (here after referred as "Mama".)
I should have seen it coming. Guess I was too innocent back then to expect it.
Having fed some more mewa to the mama, I proceed.
The Pune University campus reminded me of the cantonment area.
Now this is the part where, I have quite a faint recollection of events.
I remember having met my friend, and being a bit taken back by the condition of the hostel he was staying in.
Rest all is vague..
The next thing I remember is meeting MAMA again!!! the same freaking day.. :'(
Well this time it was about 10 PM, Mama had all the time in the world, but I didnt..
Again going through a round of haggling, and shelling out some more donation to the Pune cops welfare fund..
I head towards the guest house to deal with some sort of acute post traumatic stress disorder...
The bad taste that first day left in my mouth, is still lingering around.
No matter what happened that day.. I have met some of the best people in my life and had some of the most memorable memories.. All thanks to circumstances created in Pune for making them more "special".. :) 

Brain Monologue - I

[Ping]
Mid way through his jump, he forgot why the heck he was there in the first place.
His heart now beating high paced crazy African tribal beats, high on adrenaline, 
clouding his reason.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?" playing in a never ending loop in his mind.
He crossed the 67th floor of the building.
He knew it was the 67th floor, the banner advertising the new hot classy lounge 
zooming past his eyes, said so.
Mind racing to find the reason he jumped off the 88 floor tall building.
At the speed he was falling, everything was a blur..

"Fuck those stupid bastards, who say your whole life flashes before your eyes",
If only that could happen now, It would answer a lot of my questions"  

[Pong]

Sitting at my desk in the windowless corner of this high rise building,
working my way through a 812 page document looking for loopholes 
my company could use to suck money out of their partners for the next 
coming X years.
It suddenly dawned on me I haven't seen the sun rise or set, for the last 4 months
Haven't spoken to friend in weeks.
Living out of an unpacked cardboard box and take out food.
The closest I get to achieving human contact is when I get a cup of coffee with 
a plastic smile (for which she gets paid) from my barista every morning.
I need some clarity, I need some direction, I need some excitement!!!
I cant breathe.
Need to clear my head, I need fresh air..
Question is, is that all i need?
Clearing my head and some fresh air?
Naah.. I am missing something here.
 
[Ping]

This never ending human quest for answers.
What is our obsession with wanting to know everything?
If only we had given up on curiosity, then our biggest headache would have been 
shelter and food.
We wouldn't know the meaning of work related stress, frustration, time management etc...
Now we have unknowingly given birth to these compound and complex emotions, 
feelings and concepts, to an extent where we no longer recognize our primal emotions.
Where the thought of implications comes first to us, even if doing that something is the 
only thing in the world we enjoy.
Come to think of it, every single time we have done something, it has been 
with the prime motive of reducing our effort or burden.
Point is, once the objective was achieved we never bloody STOP!!!
Every move there after was dedicated to extracting more out of every single waking hour.
Did I jump coz of the collective failure of mankind who didn't realize when to stop??
Nope.. I am not that deep or concerned about the monkey business our ancestors were 
involved in.
Why the hell did I jump???
Even in these last moments, my biggest concern is this question..
Crap! guess curiosity is embedded deep in our DNA.

He must have been somewhere near the 42th Floor of the building.
He wasn't worried about dying, but there was a look on his face.
If only he could slow down time.

[Pong]
 
I should drink more.
That will help me clear my mind.
Wanna know my justification???
The whole logic behind drinking or rather intoxicating oneself is to actually get in touch with 
ones psyche.
Fools are those who advertize that if you drink certain beer you will be cool,
or if you have a certain whiskey you will part of a classier crowd.
Alcohol and Weed have the ability to open the portal to the creative and 
imaginative parts of the brain.
Brain that is otherwise occupied with Bills, Taxes, Work, Relations, Money.. deserves a break.
So drink, give your brain a break.
Let it be, And it will let you be, as you were intended to be.
Rather than the way you are.
Tell me that doesn't makes sense, and you will be waving bye bye to your nuts..
Drunk me talks sense.. Sober me talks numbers..

[Ping]

If only I could get my self out of this situation.
"Please God, help me.."
Even as I scream these words,
all I can think of is the futility of appealing to a higher power to do something.
How many times have I appealed before, and eventually turned into an atheist 
due to lack of divine magic tricks being performed.
Why should this time be any different.
Now I only wish, this misery would end soon.
Hate this hanging in between.
Wait!!! Isn't that what I was, a zombie. hanging between two worlds, neither dead nor dying.
Rage filled, monotonous, tired, dead inside, alive outside kinds.
Ready to chomp on anyone at the slightest provocation.
All I needed was to get one more moron fired from work, the grand total would have been 15.
I would have put that on my resume.
The kind of people I have got fired ranges from bus boys at highway diners to managing directors.
My source of amusement, my guilty pleasure,
for which I have never felt guilty enough to jump off a building.

He could see the cars parked down below clearly now.

[Pong]

I walked up to my desk, only to notice my coffee mug having been nicked.
Sick lowly asshole.. A MUG??? MY MUG???
Somebody has it coming, now if only I can find that guy.
I have more pressing issues to take care off, but all that was before 
someone indirectly asked me to mess with his life.
Shouldn't be hard to find a big black mug saying 
"Don't mess with me, before my morning coffee"...
The irony of the situation is hard to ignore.
Ahhhh, Mr. Nelson, How nice of you to have adopted my coffee mug in my absence.
I transform into Dirty Harry.. "Come on buster, make a move, make my day".
What makes these shitbags think they own the office,
if they are getting it up their butt from almost everyone on the Board of Directors.
Bingo! I see a presentation by you scheduled at the share holders meeting 2 weeks from now. Perfect!
I can think of a hundred ways to flush you down.
But first thing first...
As I approach our Mr. Nelson, I notice the intern and the Senior Associate standing with him take a step back.
Nice... I like the beads of sweat forming on their brows, I smell fear.
"Hi Nelson, I see you got my mug there."
(YOU BLOODY RAT FUCKER.. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH MY MUG!!!)
"Oh hay man.. didn't know it was yours.. just wash it and get me a hazelnut brew will ya."
(Did he just tell me that, am I dreaming, better still is he doped? 
The looks on the intern's face confirms)
"Sure man, No Problem.. No Problem at all."
(Laxatives in coffee may seem childish, but it works and its fun)
"Here you go Nelson, Enjoy."
Right now I make Mother Teresa look like penny stealing tramp.
Rest of the week was pretty much uneventful.
Mr. Nelson on the other hand was out of office for the next 3 days.
Come time for the presentation,
and Mr. Nelson had surprisingly records of the board members embezzling 
company money and tucking it in G-strings in far off lands.
Some having bought yachts for their nannies and apartments for their dogs.
Depicted in the presentation, with photographs..
The crowd always falls for the visual, rather than the audio.
Victim number 9 goes down...
Time for change of job for me as well.

[Ping]

Does God too swear vendetta at his detesters?
Is this his way of dealing with me?
Where is the devil with a contract in return for my soul..
Story of my life, I never get things, when I want them the most.

He could see a brand new BMW and a Porsche parked among the parked cars.
 
Which rich bastard should I make suffer.
Even in death I will go kicking and screaming.
Why should I be the only one, the sisters at my convent always told me to share.
And share I will.
Screw it, I am aiming for the Porsche right now. Focus.
Focus!!! Is that it? the idea of channelizing myself in a direction.
The idea of having a future, which would keep even a dying kid in Nigeria alive,
was that thing that did me in?
My brain, My imagination. Turned into my worst enemy.
A normal human would take life one step at a time.
I wanted to figure it all out.
The more I think about it, more grim everything becomes.
What I saw is not worth sharing..
But am I that gullible to give up on life based on what I imagined?
Must be m............
SPLAT!!!!

Restless Dream

Hoping to dissect the life I have lived.
Falling asleep to move back from the craziness,
hoping to wake up someday soon,
to make sense of it all.

Passing time mocking me,
with every breath of this madness.
No way in sight to the place I wanna go.
Finding solace in the memory of the things that were.

Fighting to find a solution to it all.
This suffering will end one day,
only to be replaced by another.

The dream will come to a screeching halt.
The cycle will be complete.
Madness will being again,
bearing no changes.

With no end in sight.
I wrestle with my restless dream again.

Twisted Reality

This uncontrollable twitch
to release the demons trapped inside.

Pull me from the box,
the spirits will break free,
taking me beyond the threshold of the things I deserve.
Give me wings,
put my mind to rest,
liberate my soul.

This paradise is too good for me,
I need the pain to feel alive.
I need to be trampled upon, to rise.
To be crushed to form again.

This paradise is too good for me,
to let the spirits take control.
Free the demons, I want a reason to live.

My misery will bring back to me
a sense of twisted sanity.
My own twisted reality...

YB Land

Trying since ages,
to dull my senses,
to kill my brain cells.

Desensitize myself to morons on street.
No longer will they abuse my freedom,
think they own this world.

Fuck them, and their righteous shit.
I spit on the parades of their heroes,
their mindless celebrations,

Living a lie,
each day they die,
Persecute my gods they fail to understand.

Trapped in time,
never wanting to grow,
Never wanting to realize their worth.

Soon my kind will rise,
flood the streets with our Gods.
bring out the Armageddon machines.

Run for cover suckers,
your hour glass has run out.
Our time is now.
Make you cry,
wither in pain and Die...

I am my worst enemy

Happy faces... fucking happy faces...
the shit thats hidden behind them can stink up the whole of humanity,
if you dare open it.
Pretenses is tht all we ever have.
People work,do the things they do,
try to drown their demons.
Everyone is running scared, shitless, clueless
with their demons in tow...

Frustration fuel my demons,
Mocking, bitching, feeding on my spinelessness.
fucking with my peace.
Running beyond limitations.
I'm my worst ememy, I let my demons breathe for me.

Fear fuel my demons,
losing, withering, breaking my wits to bits.
Rides with me to places,
cramping me to a corner.
I'm my worst ememy, I let my demons breed for me.

Guilt fuel my demons,
Crushing, hissing, tearing me to pieces.
Bogs me down in the cellar,
tying me to the past.
I'm my worst ememy, I let my demons feel for me.

Procrastination fuel my demons,
Sucking, bleeding, gutting my will dry.
burning me to the core,
Turns me to dead weight.
I'm my worst enemy, I let my demons think for me.

I'm my worst enemy, I let my demons fucking live for me.
I'm my worst enemy, I let my demons fucking live for me.