24 April 2011

Chaos Remains

Cry, Laugh, Fight, Die
That's all you end up with
Blood boils, flows over
This raging fire, anger.
And chaos is all that remains.

Lose life ones each day
Embrace death sooner
This shit never gets old
Until you grow bolder
And chaos is all that prevails.

Dream, feel, forget
Kneel before your God
Ask what you greed for
will peel the skin off you, show your significance
And chaos is all that sustains.

Freak, resist, Retire
give up before your limit
Fail each time
Weep for your collapse
Chaos is all that will linger till the end.

16 April 2011

Ode of the fallen

Too long you have fucked around,
All that's left are maggots crawling,
Your memories rot
Your face fades

Buried deep inside
grasping for air
Burning in your internal hell
My sin is your redemption
your life is my gift
pain is your salvation

Blisters are all you have now
you represent tyranny of the meek
I bathe in your blood
vengence is a way of life

Happiness is comatose
drift away
slave to misery
your tragedy is my elixir
my life support

Fire soothes the soul
A thousand fists punch through
maiming your remains
mulch is what you need
and I my mead

See the day,
seek your way
crawl down the hole
find your reason
hunt one, pick one
Justify

Get a reason to live
fight, bite, with all your might
dance back to humanity
then I'll prophecize whats next for you..

15 April 2011

MAMAs and their affinity to me...

Lets go back in time around 2 year 9 months, give or take a few days.That was the time when I set out from the comforts of my home to Pune.
The events that transpired on 20th July 2008, have been etched in my mind for a lot of reasons (Mostly and sadly bad...)
I landed at the Pune railway station at 3:40 in the morning, with just one bag and my bike (my companion in my turmoil).
I was yet to breathe in the early morning air, but the duty bound, highly (monetarily) motivated and dedicated cops of Pune decided 'enough is enough', its about time to start making my first day in Pune "SPECIAL".
Having had no previous experience with Pune cops, I had not gone through the trouble of transferring my bike from Goa to Pune(Big Mistake.. and the traffic cops made it a point to remind me and my friends, almost on a daily basis).
I was promptly stopped right outside railway station at 3:50 AM, and was asked for my papers, I could see the cash register in the cops eye go 'kching.. kching..kching', needless to say other than the papers I had, there were some that were missing.
Having shelled out 150 bucks and spent close to 30 mins bargaining(yes.. my friends you can do that.. although it requires a lot patience and a very sad face, and I was is no hurry)

It can be real fun, finding a place at 4:30 in the morning, in a new city. And all that you have for reference is the address and a vague idea of the route (courtesy Google Maps). Now here comes the catch, but how can the poor folks at Google know that Pune municipality had decided to repair and revamp the roads vis-a-vis how could I either?
Finally had to resort back to the age old method of asking directions, from which ever soul I could find at that time of the day.
I have a feeling that even the dogs on the street understood my problem, and barked and chased me relentlessly, in order to get me to the Guest house asap.
There is something about riding around early in the morning, wish I could explain.
I can tell you the symptoms but you have to understand the effect it has for yourself.
- Early morning cold heavy air blowing in your face.
- Feeling of wanting to slow down and just drift away.
- No TRAFFIC!!!
- No Noise
- The craving for a cup of hot tea.
All of the above add up to mean a lot of different things for different people.
To me this is a version of heaven.
I ended up reaching the Company guest house at 6:15am.
Peace and rest, welcomed me for the first time in the day...
Although the sun was yet to pop up in the sky for the day, I felt drained out.
Evening falls and I decide to go and meet my chaddi buddy Nived Jayprakash studying at the Pune University.As soon as I reach the University gates I encounter my Nemesis again "Pune Traffic Cops" (here after referred as "Mama".)
I should have seen it coming. Guess I was too innocent back then to expect it.
Having fed some more mewa to the mama, I proceed.
The Pune University campus reminded me of the cantonment area.
Now this is the part where, I have quite a faint recollection of events.
I remember having met my friend, and being a bit taken back by the condition of the hostel he was staying in.
Rest all is vague..
The next thing I remember is meeting MAMA again!!! the same freaking day.. :'(
Well this time it was about 10 PM, Mama had all the time in the world, but I didnt..
Again going through a round of haggling, and shelling out some more donation to the Pune cops welfare fund..
I head towards the guest house to deal with some sort of acute post traumatic stress disorder...
The bad taste that first day left in my mouth, is still lingering around.
No matter what happened that day.. I have met some of the best people in my life and had some of the most memorable memories.. All thanks to circumstances created in Pune for making them more "special".. :) 

06 April 2011

Brain Monologue - I


[Ping]
Mid way through his jump, he forgot why the heck he was there in the first place.
His heart now beating high paced crazy African tribal beats, high on adrenaline, 

clouding his reason.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?" playing in a never ending loop in his mind.
He crossed the 67th floor of the building.
He knew it was the 67th floor, the banner advertising the new hot classy lounge 

zooming past his eyes, said so.
Mind racing to find the reason he jumped off the 88 floor tall building.
At the speed he was falling, everything was a blur..

"Fuck those stupid bastards, who say your whole life flashes before your eyes",
If only that could happen now, It would answer a lot of my questions" 
 

[Pong]

Sitting at my desk in the windowless corner of this high rise building,
working my way through a 812 page document looking for loopholes 

my company could use to suck money out of their partners for the next 
coming X years.
It suddenly dawned on me I haven't seen the sun rise or set, for the last 4 months
Haven't spoken to friend in weeks.
Living out of an unpacked cardboard box and take out food.
The closest I get to achieving human contact is when I get a cup of coffee with 

a plastic smile (for which she gets paid) from my barista every morning.
I need some clarity, I need some direction, I need some excitement!!!
I cant breathe.
Need to clear my head, I need fresh air..
Question is, is that all i need?
Clearing my head and some fresh air?
Naah.. I am missing something here.
 
[Ping]

This never ending human quest for answers.
What is our obsession with wanting to know everything?
If only we had given up on curiosity, then our biggest headache would have been 

shelter and food.
We wouldn't know the meaning of work related stress, frustration, time management etc...
Now we have unknowingly given birth to these compound and complex emotions, 

feelings and concepts, to an extent where we no longer recognize our primal emotions.
Where the thought of implications comes first to us, even if doing that something is the 

only thing in the world we enjoy.
Come to think of it, every single time we have done something, it has been 

with the prime motive of reducing our effort or burden.
Point is, once the objective was achieved we never bloody STOP!!!
Every move there after was dedicated to extracting more out of every single waking hour.
Did I jump coz of the collective failure of mankind who didn't realize when to stop??
Nope.. I am not that deep or concerned about the monkey business our ancestors were 

involved in.
Why the hell did I jump???
Even in these last moments, my biggest concern is this question..
Crap! guess curiosity is embedded deep in our DNA.

He must have been somewhere near the 42th Floor of the building.
He wasn't worried about dying, but there was a look on his face.
If only he could slow down time.


[Pong]
 

I should drink more.
That will help me clear my mind.
Wanna know my justification???
The whole logic behind drinking or rather intoxicating oneself is to actually get in touch with 

ones psyche.
Fools are those who advertize that if you drink certain beer you will be cool,
or if you have a certain whiskey you will part of a classier crowd.
Alcohol and Weed have the ability to open the portal to the creative and 

imaginative parts of the brain.
Brain that is otherwise occupied with Bills, Taxes, Work, Relations, Money.. deserves a break.
So drink, give your brain a break.
Let it be, And it will let you be, as you were intended to be.
Rather than the way you are.
Tell me that doesn't makes sense, and you will be waving bye bye to your nuts..
Drunk me talks sense.. Sober me talks numbers..


[Ping]

If only I could get my self out of this situation.
"Please God, help me.."
Even as I scream these words,
all I can think of is the futility of appealing to a higher power to do something.
How many times have I appealed before, and eventually turned into an atheist 

due to lack of divine magic tricks being performed.
Why should this time be any different.
Now I only wish, this misery would end soon.
Hate this hanging in between.
Wait!!! Isn't that what I was, a zombie. hanging between two worlds, neither dead nor dying.
Rage filled, monotonous, tired, dead inside, alive outside kinds.
Ready to chomp on anyone at the slightest provocation.
All I needed was to get one more moron fired from work, the grand total would have been 15.
I would have put that on my resume.
The kind of people I have got fired ranges from bus boys at highway diners to managing directors.
My source of amusement, my guilty pleasure,
for which I have never felt guilty enough to jump off a building.

He could see the cars parked down below clearly now.


[Pong]

I walked up to my desk, only to notice my coffee mug having been nicked.
Sick lowly asshole.. A MUG??? MY MUG???
Somebody has it coming, now if only I can find that guy.
I have more pressing issues to take care off, but all that was before 

someone indirectly asked me to mess with his life.
Shouldn't be hard to find a big black mug saying 

"Don't mess with me, before my morning coffee"...
The irony of the situation is hard to ignore.
Ahhhh, Mr. Nelson, How nice of you to have adopted my coffee mug in my absence.
I transform into Dirty Harry.. "Come on buster, make a move, make my day".
What makes these shitbags think they own the office,
if they are getting it up their butt from almost everyone on the Board of Directors.
Bingo! I see a presentation by you scheduled at the share holders meeting 2 weeks from now. Perfect!
I can think of a hundred ways to flush you down.
But first thing first...
As I approach our Mr. Nelson, I notice the intern and the Senior Associate standing with him take a step back.
Nice... I like the beads of sweat forming on their brows, I smell fear.
"Hi Nelson, I see you got my mug there."
(YOU BLOODY RAT FUCKER.. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH MY MUG!!!)
"Oh hay man.. didn't know it was yours.. just wash it and get me a hazelnut brew will ya."
(Did he just tell me that, am I dreaming, better still is he doped? 

The looks on the intern's face confirms)
"Sure man, No Problem.. No Problem at all."
(Laxatives in coffee may seem childish, but it works and its fun)
"Here you go Nelson, Enjoy."
Right now I make Mother Teresa look like penny stealing tramp.
Rest of the week was pretty much uneventful.
Mr. Nelson on the other hand was out of office for the next 3 days.
Come time for the presentation,
and Mr. Nelson had surprisingly records of the board members embezzling 

company money and tucking it in G-strings in far off lands.
Some having bought yachts for their nannies and apartments for their dogs.
Depicted in the presentation, with photographs..
The crowd always falls for the visual, rather than the audio.
Victim number 9 goes down...
Time for change of job for me as well.

[Ping]

Does God too swear vendetta at his detesters?
Is this his way of dealing with me?
Where is the devil with a contract in return for my soul..
Story of my life, I never get things, when I want them the most.


He could see a brand new BMW and a Porsche parked among the parked cars.
 

Which rich bastard should I make suffer.
Even in death I will go kicking and screaming.

Why should I be the only one, the sisters at my convent always told me to share.
And share I will.
Screw it, I am aiming for the Porsche right now. Focus.
Focus!!! Is that it? the idea of channelizing myself in a direction.
The idea of having a future, which would keep even a dying kid in Nigeria alive,
was that thing that did me in?
My brain, My imagination. Turned into my worst enemy.
A normal human would take life one step at a time.
I wanted to figure it all out.
The more I think about it, more grim everything becomes.
What I saw is not worth sharing..
But am I that gullible to give up on life based on what I imagined?
Must be m............
SPLAT!!!!

02 April 2011

Restless Dream

Hoping to dissect the life I have lived.
Falling asleep to move back from the craziness,
hoping to wake up someday soon,
to make sense of it all.

Passing time mocking me,
with every breath of this madness.
No way in sight to the place I wanna go.
Finding solace in the memory of the things that were.

Fighting to find a solution to it all.
This suffering will end one day,
only to be replaced by another.

The dream will come to a screeching halt.
The cycle will be complete.
Madness will being again,
bearing no changes.

With no end in sight.
I wrestle with my restless dream again.

Twisted Reality

This uncontrollable twitch
to release the demons trapped inside.

Pull me from the box,
the spirits will break free,
taking me beyond the threshold of the things I deserve.
Give me wings,
put my mind to rest,
liberate my soul.

This paradise is too good for me,
I need the pain to feel alive.
I need to be trampled upon, to rise.
To be crushed to form again.

This paradise is too good for me,
to let the spirits take control.
Free the demons, I want a reason to live.

My misery will bring back to me
a sense of twisted sanity.
My own twisted reality...

YB Land

Trying since ages,
to dull my senses,
to kill my brain cells.

Desensitize myself to morons on street.
No longer will they abuse my freedom,
think they own this world.

Fuck them, and their righteous shit.
I spit on the parades of their heroes,
their mindless celebrations,

Living a lie,
each day they die,
Persecute my gods they fail to understand.

Trapped in time,
never wanting to grow,
Never wanting to realize their worth.

Soon my kind will rise,
flood the streets with our Gods.
bring out the Armageddon machines.

Run for cover suckers,
your hour glass has run out.
Our time is now.
Make you cry,
wither in pain and Die...

I am my worst enemy

Happy faces... fucking happy faces...
the shit thats hidden behind them can stink up the whole of humanity,
if you dare open it.
Pretenses is tht all we ever have.
People work,do the things they do,
try to drown their demons.
Everyone is running scared, shitless, clueless
with their demons in tow...

Frustration fuel my demons,
Mocking, bitching, feeding on my spinelessness.
fucking with my peace.
Running beyond limitations.
I'm my worst ememy, I let my demons breathe for me.

Fear fuel my demons,
losing, withering, breaking my wits to bits.
Rides with me to places,
cramping me to a corner.
I'm my worst ememy, I let my demons breed for me.

Guilt fuel my demons,
Crushing, hissing, tearing me to pieces.
Bogs me down in the cellar,
tying me to the past.
I'm my worst ememy, I let my demons feel for me.

Procrastination fuel my demons,
Sucking, bleeding, gutting my will dry.
burning me to the core,
Turns me to dead weight.
I'm my worst enemy, I let my demons think for me.

I'm my worst enemy, I let my demons fucking live for me.
I'm my worst enemy, I let my demons fucking live for me.